A Flaccid Freddy Gets Fingered In 'A Wet Dream On Elm Street'

We get some odd news and press releases in our email box every now and then. Recently we got word about the subject of this review, a triple X parody of everyone's favorite fedora wearing serial killer. On a lark I emailed the PR agent back and said if they want to send us a copy, we'll review it. A few days later lo and behold it turned up in our email box. Aside from knowing that I really, really like boobs I'm not well versed enough to review porn, I brought in good friend and resident sexologist KendrahwithanH for a guest post.  You should check out her Tumblr account http://kendrahwithanh.tumblr.com/ and check out her outstanding comic strips and artwork. 

If there’s one thing I like, it is good 80’s horror movies. If there is a second thing, it would be porn parodies. Apparently, director Lee Roy Myers felt similarly and thus, A Wet Dream On Elm Street was born – the tag line reads “If you don’t wake up wet, you won’t wake up at all.”

Sadly the movie had neither effect on me. In the original Nightmare on Elm Street, high school student Nancy Thompson is terrorized by Freddy Krueger, who kills her boyfriend, her friends and both her parents. True 80’s camp style leaves a lot of room for sexy scenes to be elaborated upon, since most of them feature semi-nude teenage girls. In porn, you can’t actually have a movie take place in high school but you still need the hot young girls. So to recreate the feel of the original Nightmare, you do the next best thing – host a 2-year high school reunion.  A male high school teacher, played by Chris Johnson, educates the only three attendees (all female of course) on the legend of this bizarro-Freddy. Instead of killing children like his 80’s inspiration, he sells drastically overpriced sex toys out of his car trunk. The townspeople, outraged over the high prices of trunk-dildos, decided to set him on fire. Don’t worry viewers, it’s only from the waist up, so you can delete that mental image. Instead of sharp knives to terrorize his victims with, his glove is fused together with 5 shiny black vibrators.

And now Freddy is back to exact revenge on the town by sexing their women into permanent comas filled with orgasms and sexual ecstasy. Tell me again… where is the bad part of that?

The movie opens with a 30 minute sex scene featuring the girl from the cover of the movie, who was actually pretty cute. You get the idea that she and her male partner are supposed to be a teenage couple. The entire scene goes on with no background music whatsoever, which would normally not be an issue for me except that the sound guy decided the gagging noises needed a little extra “boost.” The overlapping tracks of slurping and gagging would be distracting to even the horniest of viewers, and it was a disappointing trend for every following scene in the movie.

After all is said and done the girl wakes up from her post-coital nap to the nudging of Freddy’s vibe-fingers. My favorite part of this entire movie? Her first exclamation upon discovering him instead of her boyfriend. “Oh! Edward James Olmos?! I love ALL your movies!” I had to give this film at least the credit of making me laugh uncontrollably for a good 5 minutes. Freddy immediately ruins this by turning directly to the camera and complaining that he never gets mistaken for a burned Brad Pitt.

The whole film has a very gonzo-like atmosphere to it, despite the attempt at a plotline. The scenes are all overly bright, as if they are filmed in an office with overhead fluorescents.  The staged High School Reunion is so sloppily put together that the signs might as well have been drawn in crayon with backwards letters. This all seems to be the point though, as the actors poke fun at the obviously ridiculous scenarios and don’t seem to take their roles too seriously.  There are even several scenes where the actors mess up their own names, acknowledge it, and laugh it off. This makes it hard to hate it too much.

The most memorable sex scene occurs between the male teacher (Johnson) and one of his female students. What stands out most about this scene is that Johnson is a one-man bukkake party. As a person who considers herself something of a porn connoisseur I feel like nothing really fazes me anymore, but this scene had me completely nauseous. What pours out of this man is simply not natural, but is certainly a special skill for those who are so inclined to watch. Keep a bucket handy, you know, for… whatever.

Attempting to ignore the parody part and trying to focus on the sexy scenes proved to be impossible. None of the actresses are particularly attractive enough to be especially turned on and the only thing horrifying about this film is their acting. If you are looking for something sexy, this movie is severely lacking. If you are looking for funny porn, there are a few key moments in here that I’m glad to have seen, but other parodies have certainly done better. I’d recommend just watching the original Nightmare on Elm Street and imagining Heather Langenkamp naked.