The Friday Five: The Five Movies I'm Most Stoked For

Hard to believe, but 2010 is already more than halfway through. In fact, with August just around the corner, summer's going to be gone before we know it, and we'll be making Halloween plans over whiskey infused hot cocoa and a mountain of fun sized Baby Ruth bars. Now, the running joke on me here is that as the proud papa of a little princess, it's pretty laughable that I'm going to get to a movie theater five times this year. That said, imagine a bizarro world where I'm getting plenty of sleep and don't smell like breast milk and soiled diapers and can skip off to the cinema whenever I get the urge. Without further ado, here's what I'm most looking forward to before the year ends.


5. Piranha 3D


4. The Last Exorcism

Comes out two days before Piranha 3D. I smell a Saturday afternoon Creature Double Feature.

3. Monsters


2. Let Me In

Could be awesome. Could be a train wreck. Either Way, I'm there opening night.

1. The Loved Ones

Imagine if Molly Ringwald's character in sixteen Candles was batshit insane. I'm going to do everything in my powers to screen this Australian film in Boston in 2010.

A Horror What If: Would The Shining Be Better Without Jack Nicholson?

I've been working on that post on Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining for a little bit now. For whatever reason *cough* a baby that won't go to sleep ever cough** I can't believe it's possible to even be this tired cough ** I can't seem to put the finishing touches on it. Perhaps it's because critics and horror fans have rightfully heaped praise on The Shining is one of the finest works in supernatural horror for years and I'm hoping that I can do it a wee bit of justice. I’m not here to argue against the greatness of the film. At its best moments it still remains one of the scariest haunted house films ever released.

I have to say though, there is one aspect of the film it's always bothered me that is one would probably piss off a lot of fans of the film. I really can't stand Jack Nicholson in the role of the troubled caretaker Jack Torrance. His over-the-top histrionics have always struck me as camp at its worst and go a long way towards cutting off but for the most part it's a fairly understated, tense and horrifying film right often knees.

If you don't sit back & shut up I will turn this car around and chop your fucking head off.  

Okay I freely admit I'm not a Nicholson fan. I see his career is filled with roles were he doesn't act so much as he turns on his personality full blast and at his worst gives post-“Scent of a Woman” Al Pacino a run for his money in the scene chewing antics. Stephen King went on record stating the choice of Nicholson was a poor one. In his mind, the casting gave the audience to much of a knowing wink as to the fate of Torrance, as Nicholson had just come off his performance in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. Perhaps it was the strain of working with Kubrick, a notoriously difficult and demanding director, but Nicholson’s work in The Shining embodies all of his worst acting characteristics. As conceived on the page Jack Torrance is a man struggles with his love for his family and his conflicting demons of alcoholism and a short fuse. In many ways he's a tragic character elicits sympathy. Against the onslaught of cabin fever as well as the supernatural poll of the hotel itself, Torrance never stood a chance. Yet throughout the story there are moments when his affection for his family and his own horror but he is coming clearly shine. We never get Nicholson. Instead, from the get-go Nicholson treats Wendy and Danny like a pair of people he’s been saddled with after losing a bet. Do you know the “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment from Seinfeld? The impression Nicholson gives is there’s no way HE’D ever be saddled with a string-bean of a lady like Shelly Duvall, nor could his loins produce someone as inherently weird as Danny so he sure as shit wasn’t going to have his character act like he gave a flying fig about them.

While his improvisation of “Heeeeeeere's Johnny” gives Cinema history with its best one-liners his over-the-top performance is more harm than good. A few years back the Brattle Theater hosted a screening of The Shining and every induced mugging bit from Jack brought howls of laughter from the audience. From his over-the-top chastising of Wendy when she interrupts his writing to his Boris Karloff impersonation as he lurches through the topiary maze howling incoherently, Nicholson simply bulldozes his way through the role. I never get the sense that Torrance is gradually losing his grip, instead it feels like he’s ready to pick up the axe and start chopping the fam into kindling wood at about the thirty minute mark.

Who would I get to replace Jack? Who could step in and fill the shoes of such an icon?

The choice was easy. I’d have loved to have seen what Robert Deniro could have done with the role. Including 1980, you’re looking at a decade long stretch with an actor at the absolute top of his game with an ability to disappear into a role. From his breakout role in Mean Streets, Deniro demonstrated he could play the role of a man completely enslaved by his self-destructive habits. As the titular Taxi Drive, Deniro plays a man unable to cope with his environment (in this case the urban decay of New York as opposed to the solitude of the Rockies), and he gradually succumbs to his violent impulses, culminating in epic violence. Yet even after the shootout, his character keeps it together just enough to fool people around him into calling him a hero instead of a lunatic. Finally, in his role as the troubled boxer Jake LaMotta, Bobby D once again straddles the line between doting family man and abusive husband and brother. In his hands, we’d see a more gradual change in Torrance’s behavior, one that showcase a quieter menace stemming from pent up frustration at being cooped up. The role called for someone that could internalize his struggles with addiction while the solitude and pull of the hotels ghosts slowly drive him to madness. Deniro’s past and future roles demonstrated an actor fully capable of delivering a nuanced performance, allowing Jack to slowly lose his grip.

So what say you intrepid reader? Am I out of my gourd for trashing what some consider one of the finest performances in horror history? Or are you walking on my side of the street on this one? Am I treading dangerously close to horror sacrilege here?

Better Than Chicken Soup: Sick Days and Comforting Mini Horror Marathons

(This is a re-enactment of true events.)
Having missed posting for a few days, one thing is for certain: I freaking miss writing. There isn’t much as satisfying as pressing that “publish” button and watching your little word baby fly off into the cyber universe to make mischief. Even though the baby might not be unique, I hope it at least gives someone a different perspective. If nothing else, it gives me a chance to vent or gush about horror films in a very cathartic way. I was pretty bummed about missing out on the Heartbreakers Marathon going on over at my bud Zach’s great blog Z for Zombies, so check that out if you have a chance.


Recently I’ve been in over my head on a number of projects culminating in getting very puking sick last weekend. I did what any devoted horror fan would do and got a huge stack of old favorites to watch in between my fever dreams falling in and out of sleep. Because we’ve found such a loyal audience and good friends along the way of our nearly one year old site, I feel an obligation to write no matter what I have going on, even when sick or stressed. With that in mind, here’s my take on a few classics that I watched in between sleeping and running to the toilet and generally feeling pretty damn miserable. These are all no brainers, so if by chance you’ve just been released from cryogenic freeze after 40 years and missed them, you should probably check em out. I mean like right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME



Happy Birthday to Me (1981)


You know what? I had never seen this one before and I am kicking myself in the ass. It often gets lumped in as just another typical slasher, but really, it’s a damn solid film. Not only is it directed with great ability by an Academy Award nominated director (J. Lee Thompson, director of The Guns of Navarone), but it’s also fairly unique in that it contains a deep psychological element normally glossed over by most of the old slasher cash cows and franchises. Melissa Sue Anderson (Mary Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie) is devoted to her role as Ginny, a young woman piecing together her past after a serious brain injury. When connections start firing in her brain, she becomes terrified that she is killing off all her best friends from their obnoxious rich kid clique known as the "Top Ten". I think the final scene is pretty chilling, and the killings were very clever. I found a nice DVD edition for a buck. That’s right one buck! Money very well spent.


“6 of the Most Bizarre Murders You Will Ever See.”


DOLLS




Dolls (1987)





Without a doubt, Stuart Gordon is one of my favorite filmmakers. He sets the perfect tone for each of his films with stunning atmosphere and great acting. He always brings a smile to my face with his sly black humor and no holds barred gore. Dolls is casually mentioned in any conversation about the master, but ultimately Re-Animator and From Beyond dominate (for good reason). However, Gordon’s quiet little fable is quite a terrifying ride, especially if you get freaked out by dolls like I do. Something about their tiny little knowing faces and hands gets me, and Gordon knows this. Everything is creepy creepy creepy, and the special effects, a combination of practical and stop-motion, are stellar. If you ask me, Dolls doesn’t get enough love.
Death by Toy Soldier Firing Squad.


DAWN OF THE DEAD



Dawn of the Dead (1978)





I always break out Dawn of the Dead when I’m sick. I have no idea why, but it comforts me probably more so than any other film. I guess because of all horror films, it’s the one I’ve watched, studied, thought about the most and make a point of watching it at least once or twice a year since I first saw it many years ago. I try to find something different each time, and rarely fail in that regard. There is always some minor detail or brilliant shot that I didn’t realize existed until looking from another angle. Damn, do I love this film! Still potent despite years and years of the relentless watered down pop culture it inspired.
“When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”


THE FOG



John Carpenter’s The Fog (1981)





When I’m sick, I enjoy a good story. John Carpenter’s The Fog is probably the most perfect ghost story captured on celluloid and also a very comforting film for me in times of vomit or chills. The Fog is my number one film I’d love to see on a big screen, but alas, I was limited to a 10 inch TV with built in DVD player. Oh well. I still think it has the best cast in horror (rivaled only by Creepshow). It’s funny that John Carpenter was certain it would receive a PG rating, but I understand where he's coming from. There are some brutal killings, sure, but I’ve seen far worse on current day TV.
“I’d sure love to meet DJ Stevie Wayne.”

There's Something About Meme

It’s a slow day around these parts, and rather than finish or edit the articles I’m struggling to get done, I decided to take this fun old meme that our dear friend Pax Romano from Billy Loves Stu has created. Who am I to buck the latest internet trend anyways? So without further ado, here are the answers to his questions:

1: In Ten Words or Less, Describe Your Blog

The name says it all. We loves us some horror

2: During What Cinematic Era Where you Born?

    A: The Classic Horror Era (late 30's to 40's)

    B: The Atomic Monster/Nuclear Angst Era (the late 40's through 50's)

    C: The Psycho Era (Early 60's)

    D: The Rosemary's Baby Era (Mid to Late 60's)

    E: The Exorcism Era (Early to mid 70's)

    F: The Halloween Era (Late 70's to Early 80's)

    G: The Slasher Era (Mid to late 80's)

    H: The Self Referential/Post Modern Era (1990 to 1999)

I’ll take ‘E” for $400 Alex. Hence all my Catholic guilt and fetish for ladies in school girl uniforms.

3: The Carrie Compatibility Question:

Gotta go with Sue Snell here. I’ve never been one to go for the peroxide blonde type. Is there a fiery redhead we could add to the mix? There’s no taking Carrie herself if we leave the pig’s blood at home? I think I could get to second base with Sue out of sympathy though. 

4: You have been given an ungodly amount of money and total control of a major motion picture studio - what would your dream Horror project be?

Given unlimited resources I’d open a smaller studio that focused on letting new independent artists create and distribute their projects. Once a decade it seems like we see a project come out of nowhere and takes the horror community by storm. Why not try and fund a handful of these projects at once? I’d also look at starting a community center that provided continuing education courses and after school programs for film, music and art, had an all ages DIY music space and basic recording studio, and small screening area.

5: What horror film "franchise" that others have embraced, left you cold?

The Saw series strikes me a film at its worst. The first one had some nice ideas hindered by terrible been all performances, and it’s been all downhill once studios realized they could squeeze millions from stupid kids. Not coincidentally-the popularity and decline of the series has coincided with the rise and fall of “nu-metal” and shitty Hot Topic Goth kids.

It's a lock that this kid is the "Comic Book Guy"from the Simpsons of the Korn/Saw crowd

6:  Is Michael Bay the Antichrist?

It’s really easy to you know, just NOT go see his movies? While I avoid his films like the British avoid oral hygiene I’d rank Glen Beck, Sarah Palin or Republican House Minority leader John Bohner far ahead of Bay on the “Who is the Antichrist?” scale.

7: Dracula, The Wolf Man, The Frankenstein Monster - which one of these classic villains scares you, and why?

Dracula for two reasons. 1. The classic vampire is scary as hell because he more or less can blend in to everyday society. Two, the historical basis for Dracula-Vlad Tepes-is one of the most brutal and terrifying yet fascinating figures in all of history.

8: Tell me about a scene from a NON HORROR Film that scares the crap out of you:

 The face melting scene in Radiers of the Lost Ark. WTF is up with melted nazis??

9: Baby Jane Hudson invites you over to her house for lunch.  What do you bring?

I make a delicious cornbread and prosciutto stuffing, so that plus a bottle of Jamison

10: So, between you and me, do you have any ulterior motives for blogging?  Come, on you can tell me, it will be our little secret, and I won't tell a soul.

I started as a means to write consistently and improve on my writing. I’d say I continue the site because we have a tremendous amount of readers and I enjoy interacting with other horror fans.

11: What would you have brought to Rosemary Woodhouse's baby shower?

As a new father I can tell you there’s no such thing as having TOO MANY DIAPERS so probably an industrial sized box of Huggies.

So much poop from such a tiny baby. 

12: Godzilla vs. The Cloverfield Monster, who wins?

Since the Cloverfield monster is supposed to be a baby, a fairer fight would be The Son of Godzilla. Come on, has anyone really answered the Cloverfield Monster yet for this one. The real loser is anyone that got seasick from the shaky cam.

13: If you found out that Rob Zombie was reading your blog, what would you post in hopes that he read it?

I’d ask him to stick to creating his own characters and work on original horror, and ask if I could try to convince his wife and my wife to partake in a threesome. It’s at least worth a shot, right?

14: What is your favorite NON HORROR FILM, and why?

My favorite shifts depending on my mood but if you want an underrated film, you should check out The Friends of Eddie Coyle. It’s a terrific gangster film set in Boston during the early 70’s. Robert Mitchum stars as a sad sack low level mobster that turns informant in order to avoid jail. It’s shot on location and nails the city at that time. The cast is outstanding and the dialogue is head and shoulders above what passes for it nowadays. Criterion released the DVD last year, you should check it out.

"Number Four Bobby Orr!"

15: If blogging technology did not exist, what would you be doing?

In the mid-90’s I put out a punk rawk fanzine Pocket Full of Chump Change. The immediacy of the internet rendered zines obsolete; otherwise I’d still publish one. Quick fanzine story. I once interviewed Ian Macaye (Minor Threat, Fugazi) an it was going terrible. Just awful So I throw out my standard "If you could date any Muppet character, which one would you go out with and why?" question, and he gives me a blank look and tells me he's never heard of the Muppets. At this point I give up, call him a liar and say there's no way he's never heard of Kermit the Frog or Bert & Ernie and I just lose my shit. I still love Fugazi, but man, what a self-serious blow hard. 

We Don't Hate It When Our Friends Become Succesful-Great News For The Soska Sisters!

Fresh off their LA debut of Dead Hooker In A Trunk at the first Bleedfest event, the Soska twins return to their native Vancouver to some great news.

Their debut feature, a high adrenaline throwback to 70’s exploitation and Grindhouse films, is getting a one night only special event in their hometown. Next month, On Friday the 13^th (natch) the Rio Theater in Vancouver hosts a special screening of Dead Hooker in A Trunk.

To mark the occasion, the screening will feature a number of special guests as well as exclsive merchandise from Twisted Twins Productions. The sisters will also unveil a sneak peak of their next project as well.

This sounds like a completely rad event. I love the photo of the outside of the Rio Theater. It reminds me of Brookline’s Coolidge Corner Theater, our own bastion of independence. It’s awesome that the sisters get to show their film to what is sure to be a rabid hometown crowd. I’d love to hear about more independent theaters (the numbers seem to dwindle every day) setting aside events that allow homegrown talent to show off their work

For our Canadian readers that want to hit this event up-doors open at 9pm and tickets can be had for $10 (email info@twistedtwinsproductions.net for your tix)

Want to watch one of the two best zombie short films of the year?*

Of course you do. It’s a rhetorical question. Why the hell would you be reading this site for otherwise?

In 2009, reviews for a short zombie film started making the rounds across horror sites. While earning rave reviews online, Chemical 12-D impressed horror fans fortunate enough to catch screenings of the movie at various genre festivals over the past year. What’s most impressive about the film is it was conceived as and shot for a class project, yet contained FX work that rivals a more polished (and much larger budgeted) studio effort.  (Here's a link to our initial review)

One drawback of doing this site is we often talk about films and projects that the vast majority of people never get to see. Unless you were fortunate enough to live in one of the cities hosting a festival, or bought the film on DVD during the one window Water Cooler productions made the film available for purchase, you were out of luck.

Now that has changed. Coinciding with the Chemical 12-D’s screening at the Fantasia Film Festival, writer/director Mac Eldridge has uploaded the short to YouTube. While we’ve embedded the movie below,  if you want to watch it with better resolution and its intended aspect ratio click this link to Chemical 12-D on YouTube. Go on and spend a few minutes with this film. There’s zero chance you won’t come away impressed.

Of course, if you have a myriad of devices such as select networked BluRay players, Tivo, Roku or a similar device you can also enjoy the film on a larger TV as well. Sorry, that’s the tech geek in me coming out.

*The other top zombie short of the year is the Alex Horwitz helmed Alice Jacobs is Dead starring Adrienne Barbeau. 

The Return of the Friday Five! Our Favorite Horror Movie Dads

 You probably have noticed a slowdown in posting since the summer kicked off. I’m not slacking off with my toes dipped in the water poolside. As the proud pappy of a newborn baby girl, I’m trying to balance writing and watching films with changing poopie diapers and singing Jawbreaker songs to my lovely little Ada. I will say there’s never been anything as remotely satisfying as being a dad, and as evidenced by the photos below, there has never been a more adorable baby in the history of the planet. As I get the hang of daddyhood, I’m sure I’ll get back to the low quality-high volume posting our readers have come to expect

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In the meantime, check out our list of notable horror movie dads. 

5. Alder Macgregor (Lindsay Kemp) The Wicker Man there’s really no reason to put him on this list except to note his character’s loins was one half of the genetic material that spawned Britt Ekland’s Willow. This in turn led to Willow’s sexy naked rump shaking dance. That alone at least warrants a “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug.

 

This clip is edited because YouTube gets sand in their vaginas over nudity. 

4. Lt. Don Thompson (John Saxon) A Nightmare On Elm Street At first glance it may be difficult to understand how an up-and-up cop lost custody of Nancy to his booze bag ex-wife. However, one only has to look at some of his questionable judgment calls such as using his unsuspecting daughter as bait in order to lure a potential killer out of hiding. Even in a town like Springwood, where child killers walk free on technicalities and revenge driven mobs cook up their own janitor flambé recipe, it’s still not kosher to use a minor as potential chum.

 3. Dad Meiks (Bill Paxton) Frailty Being a single dad is tough work. It gets even tougher when you’ve either been granted a vision from an angel saying it’s your sworn duty to hunt down and kill demons or have suffered some sort of psychotic breakdown. Paxton’s father figure recruits his two young sons to help him in his work, making is boys both witnesses and partners in his crimes. This is a criminally underrated film from back in the day when Mathew McConaughey actually went after legitimately cool roles instead of rom/com pap and in his directorial debut; the multi-talented Paxton delivers a chilling psychological horror tale. Years before Jigsaw trapped people for their sins, Daddy Meiks hunted down and wiped out sinners and never offered a chance at redemption. Of course if one of your boys decides that kidnapping strangers only to chop them to bits and bury them in the rose garden isn't very neighborly, one always has the option of tossing them in a hole and depriving them of food and water for weeks on end until a  miraculous vision strikes them as well. 

2. Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) The Shining You’ll get some more thoughts from me regarding Kubrick’s classic next week, but first here’s a little teaser. Even before The Overlook drove Jack Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs he wasn’t going to win any father of the year awards. One night while three sheets to the wind, daddy dearest managed to wrench his son’s arm so hard in a fit of rage that he managed to dislocate the boy’s shoulder. Fast forward to the family’s winter of discontent, and the extreme isolation combined with the angry ghosts of guests pasts leave Jack no choice but to try and chop wife and son into kindling in order to stay warm by the fire.

1. Jerry Blake (Terry O’Quinn) The Stepfather The only thing Jerry is guilty of is loving too much. That and multiple homicides. Loving too much and multiple homicides. He lived his life by the old adage “If first you don’t succeed, try, try again” by disposing of whatever family he’d charmed his way into when it became evident that they couldn’t live up to his impossible “Leave It to Beaver” standards as to how a household should operate. O’Quinn’s a genius in this role, and fans of Lost should take special note as to how he plays his character here. Like John Locke, Jerry Blake seemed like the master of Zen calm most of the time, but when a situation arose he found himself unable to contain, Blake would break down and throw a violent tantrum of Naomi Campbell meets Russell Crowe-like proportions. 

New Poster for All Things Horror Presents in August by the Rev. Phantom

Here's the newest poster for our August screening by the illustrious Rev. Phantom at Midnight Confessions.


We've been a little lacking in posts lately, what with Mike cleaning up poop and puke AND taking care of a tiny baby, Izzy at Fantasia in Montreal, and me convincing myself I can make a movie. At the very least, I can tell you that the August lineup will be very good with our feature, the cannibal serial killer mockumentary Long Pigs by Chris Power and Nathan Hynes, Jon Springer's moody B & W short Dollface, and Andrew Newall's atmospheric creepy short Someone Else.


Screening Details:


Wednesday, August 4 at the Somerville Theater
55 Davis Square, Somerville MA 02144
8 pm
Cheap DIY price of $5
Stop by for hugs, trivia, great indie films, high fives, and beer!!!

Long Pigs Trailer

SATAN HATES YOU! God Ignores You. What’s a Soul to Do?

SATAN HATES YOU (2009)
Written & Directed by: James Felix McKenney Monsterpants
Glass Eye Pix


I knew I was in for a treat when the kindly face of Angus Scrimm was the first image I encountered in Satan Hates You, the latest offering from James Felix McKenney (Automatons, Canniballistic!). The Tall Man himself was playing an unusual kind of televangelist, one that didn't guilt the viewer to solicit charitable donations. What he offered was real hope and kindness, something rarely seen from the ranks of those who trade in the commodity of faith. It sets the tone for the message of the film even if there’s a lot of madness to navigate before reaching that point.
Satan Hates You falls into that wonderful spot of unclassifiable horror filmmaking populated by movies like Street Trash or Bad Biology. Like those films, Satan Hates You relies on a special kind of chaos and wit. Think early Alex de la Iglesia mixed with a little Toxic Avenger, minus the outright camp. If there was ever a movie that fits into the vintage mould of coveted 70’s and 80’s horror films, Satan Hates You fills it without really trying too hard. Awash in red and green tones, full of shocking gore, satirical in tone, it’s probably the first horror film that actually thinks the teachings of Christ are kind of ok. However, that’s not to say it isn’t also a scathing indictment of religious hypocrisy. It’s both, and a film smart enough to separate the message from the “followers” who twist it for their own selfish needs. At a time when the Tea Party and Religious Right groups have a stranglehold on “morality” and government, Satan Hates You is just about the most timely horror film out there.

(Wendy prays that someone is looking out for her.)


First and foremost, Satan Hates You is about choice. We follow two broken, confused, and abused protagonists Wendy and Marc, both on their own downward spirals with little hope of salvation. Marc is a hardcore alcoholic, despises homosexuals, and is prone to uncontrollable violent outbursts. Wendy is young and sweet, but addicted to drug and alcohol, and participates in a lot of dangerous unprotected sex. Both are completely tragic characters who appear at the end of their ropes and are just looking for a way out of their hopeless situations. Although it would be easy to judge them and write them off as being weak or beyond damaged, they are compelling characters nonetheless. It’s easy to sit around passing judgment on their actions, but I’ll insert that little phrase about “stones and glass houses” right here before we move on.

(Soul collecting is just a game to Glumac and Scadlock.)


To offset the grimness of the thematic elements, McKenney introduces a little comic relief in the form of two soul collecting demons Glumac and Scadlock, played with zest by Larry Fessenden (Glass Eye Pix) and Bradford Scobie (Short Bus). The two demons serve to sort of balance on the shoulders of our protagonists, only instead of a choice between doing good or evil, the only choices are doing something bad or doing something worse. There is no angel in white to guide our heroes, only their own intelligence, experience, and self-esteem.

The performances are great. Christine Spencer shines as gravelly voiced Wendy, a sweetheart buried by cocaine binges, pills, blackout drunkeness, and sex in bar bathroom stalls with icky strangers. Don Wood somehow saves Marc from being a completely despised character which speaks volumes of his charisma. Satan Hates You is also peppered with some great special guests like Reggie (Phantasm series) Bannister as a barkeeper with conflicted morals about his career, and Michael Berryman given a refreshingly lighthearted role as a hotel manager. I didn’t even think of Debbie Rochon being Debbie Rochon. The acting is all around pretty stellar, and no doubt partially because the dialogue is strong and natural, but full of piss and vinegar. Normally the appearance of so many famous horror icons is a red flag for me, but in this case, McKenney made some great casting decisions that served the story rather than trivialize the actors.

A few other strong points are the cinematography which looks like it may have been shot on film, but I’m not sure. It’s very colorful, especially during moments when characters are faced with a weighty decisions that have grand ramifications. The pacing was good with exposition that served a purpose between the moments of strong dramatic dialogue.

If you can’t tell, I’m pretty excited about Satan Hates You, another great entry into the genre by Monsterpants and Glass Eye Pix. There’s something in the water there in NYC, and I’d love to have a pitcher of it.
SATAN HATES YOU Trailer

“Long Pigs” Review: Maybe People Are Better Off Smothered in Delicious BBQ Sauce

Long Pigs (2007)
Written & Directed by: Chris Power & Nathan Hynes
Long Pigs Official Site
Screening as part of All Things Horror Presents 8/4 at the Somerville Theater

If the “documentary” Long Pigs had been presented as a reality show on the Food Network, a lot of “foodies” would probably be clamoring down at their local Whole Foods for some lean cuts of free-range human flesh. Any trend can get a push from cable television these days, and it won’t be long before we’re seeing lovely yuppies ladies dining on, rather than with, their ideal dream guy on some Sex and the City clone. It’s a slippery slope, people, and cannibalism is just about the only thing that hasn’t yet been perverted by the major media and entertainment outlets. It’s our last untainted bastion of purity. Wait, what am I talking about?!?!?

Yes, Long Pigs is a mockumentary about cannibalism, but it’s more than that. It’s a meditation on a variety of philosophical and social subjects, everything from a discussion of our place on the food chain to misplaced anger to ecology to the ultimate objectification of human beings. Is it really that far-fetched that on our shrinking planet eating humans might become the cool thing to do? Even more likely, it may become a necessity as the population continues to grow at an alarming rate while our environment degrades to a frightening degree. Bringing home the bacon will mean something new entirely and we’ll be eyeing our neighbors as a holiday feast in no time.


Long Pigs could have been presented a number of ways, most of which would probably eschew any real content in lieu of graphic gore. Personally, I’m glad the filmmaking team of Chris Power and Nathan Hynes took it the more intellectual route. Don’t get me wrong, Long Pigs is a sick movie, but I appreciate the satirical and even philosophical path they chose while presenting the intimate life of a cannibal serial killer. While it would have been a no brainer to make this film a simple showcase of one violent atrocity after another, the team throws a little self-reflection into the mix and Long Pigs is stronger for it. The film is driven just as much by the issues it brings up as the narrative itself. It leaves you with something to think about instead of just simply moving from one murder to the next.


(Our man Anthony has hacking up bodies down to a science.)

Obviously Long Pigs takes inspiration from other serial killer mockumentaries like Man Bites Dog, Leslie Vernon: Behind the Mask, or even Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. The subject, Anthony McAlister, is an everyman who just happens to have an eccentric taste in food. Sure, he’s a killer, but he’s also thoughtful, polite, and at times even a little spiritual. Portrayed by the charismatic Anthony Alviano, the filmmakers follow him around in his day-to-day activities which includes scoping out potential meals, waxing philosophical about a variety of topics, playing a little ice hockey, and methodically cutting up bodies in his basement. Juxtaposed with the exploits of his daily life are running commentaries from crime and behavior “experts” who clearly have no clue in determining how this type of behavior originates. Obviously it’s all chaotic and completely unpredictable, but in coping they try to compartmentalize it with the creation of monsters. It’s an interesting contrast seeing the cool, collected, and likeable Anthony up against the type of monsters described by the interview subjects.

I really enjoyed Long Pigs as a satire more than as gory Grand Guignol entertainment, and I think that was the filmmakers’ intention. However, be warned: when they decide to showcase Anthony’s methodical and clinical preparation of his victims, it is truly disgusting. In my opinion, the special makeup effects are very convincing and I had trouble telling whether or not a real person was being drawn and quartered, cooked and eaten. I don’t have trouble recommending Long Pigs to anyone who can stomach the topic and gore because it’s an intriguing work of horror and independent filmmaking in a stagnating genre.

Long Pigs Trailer



Long Pigs Official Trailer HD 480p from http://vimeo.com/jordanent on Vimeo.

Film Review: Lake Mungo

Each year the After Dark horror fest unleashes eight films onto a dwindling and skeptical public. The majority of films released by the imprint fall somewhere between inept and SyFy’s Movie of the Week. The problem is so many of the films have been terrible; the proverbial diamond in a lump of coal can go unheralded. This year’s Australian import Lake Mungo is such a film. It’s been one of the best films no one has seen this year. Trust me, don't let the fact that it's an After Dark film frighten you (or in the case of AD NOT frighten you) from seeing it). Normally I pride myself in writing fairly non-spoiler filled reviews, but for some reason, despite writing a few drafts of this post, I find myself unable to talk about it without giving too much away. Don’t worry; I’ve posted tags in order to provide fair warning. Better yet, feel free to watch the film first, then head back and see if you agree, or go on and tell me I’ve got cottage cheese for brains.

Using a documentary style of film making to reveal its story, Lake Mungo tells the story of Alice Palmer, a sixteen year old girl who drowns while on holiday with her family. The film is presented as a documentary, relying on “talking head” interviews with the involved parties, news footage, home movies, and family photographs to move the narrative forward. The Palmers recall how shortly after her death, strange phenomenon began to occur in their home.  June Palmer experiences frightful nightmares that render her unable to sleep. She takes to going on long walks in the middle of the night, often breaking into her neighbor’s homes just to sit amongst their things to feel “normal”.  David Palmer swears he confronted her ghost one evening, an event that leaves him shaken. Their son Matthew has taken to photographing and video recording the home, and he seems to turn up evidence of Alice’s ghost appearing on film. The family has Alice’s body exhumed, believing they may have misidentified her corpse. When DNA testing proves the drowned corpse is Alice, soon brings in a psychic with the hope of communicating with her.

During this first section of the film, the focus on Alice remains strictly on her death and possible ghost. The film reveals little of Alice the sixteen year old girl. We see snippets of her in vacation footage, smiling and laughing, and friends and family relate the generic platitudes one often hears when a loved one is taken away by tragedy. We hear the types of things you’d read in someone’s year book about what a great friend, daughter and sister Alice was in life, but we learn nothing about the girl herself. For the first half of the movie, we are only concerned about Alice in death, and what her possible haunting could mean. While the evidence points towards a ghost, the question remains why has she returned? At this point, a third party filming vacation footage at a spot Alice’s ghost has appeared makes a startling discovery that steers the film in a completely different direction.

****Warning!! Spoilers Abound Ahead!!**** 

Mathew has faked the ghost footage. Using Photoshop and simple camera tricks, he faked Alice’s image on film. The family goes back to look at earlier footage and make a discovery just as startling. In one of the videos Mather has faked, the camera picks up the barely perceptible images of a former neighbor desperately rooting around Alice’s room. When June finds a videotape in Alice’s safe, the contents shatter the family’s assumptions about their daughter.  

The cassette reveals an explicit relationship between Alice and the former neighbors she used to babysit for. At this point, the movie stops examining Alice in death, and begins to uncover the secrets she kept in life. While friends and family express shock at the revelation, a crack in the relationship between mother and daughter is revealed. June details how she struggled to connect with her daughter. As the family digs further, they all must come to grips that the vivacious girl on the family vacation films harbored grim thoughts, dark secrets and suffered through crippling depression in secrecy.

Desperate to learn insights to their daughter that would help understand why she isolated herself from those that loved her begin digging into all aspects of her life. We learn of a previous connection between Alice and the psychic after she finds herself haunted by terrible premonitions.  Her parents are given grainy footage of a weekend camping trip at Lake Mungo. While her friends are in a celebratory mood, Alice is distant, even prone to hysterical outbursts. The footage reveals Alice burying items after eluding her friends. When the Palmers trek out to the lake to uncover these items, they discover her cell phone. The captured footage reveals the one truly frightening image of the film, and harkens back to an earlier comment in the film, when death is described as “the worst machine”-always pressing forward and unable to be convinced to veer off its course. It becomes clear that whatever it was that revealed itself to Alice, she had resigned herself to the inevitability of her fate.

Though the Palmers achieve closure, the film lingers over the question as to what peace Alice still sought to achieve.  While the film leaves the question unanswered, I had the sense the girls’ spirit never achieved the connection she desperately strived for. In the closing moments of the film, we’re shown footage from separate psychic sessions of the mother and daughter. The two seem to share a vision: Alice senses her mother approaching the room, and June feels herself drawn to the bedroom for an unknown reason. However, June can’t sense her daughter’s presence, commenting that the room is empty. Alice’s audio completes the scene, heartbreakingly declaring that her mother “doesn’t even know she’s there”. The last shot of the film is of a smiling Palmer trio on the morning of their moving away, while a forlorn Alice’s ghostly image spies on them behind the walls of the abandoned home.

****End Spoilers****

The pacing and structure of Lake Mungo won’t satisfy everyone. The straightforward documentary presentation would find a comfortable home on the Discovery channel. Those that complained that Paranormal Activity moved too slowly for their tastes may find less to like here. Ultimately, Lake Mungo left me with the same continual feeling of uneasiness that reading House of Leaves did.  Like that novel, the individual events of Lake Mungo don’t present momentary scares. However, the film as a whole left me with a perpetual sense of unease as the events of Alice’s life and death unfolded. The film continuously builds on a series of quiet and unsettling moments. It got under my skin in a big way. The film works as both a ghost story trying to sift through the mysteries of a young girl’s death and as a rumination of grief, and of how we all seek a connection with one another in the limited time we have for a life. More so than any normal ghost, the missed opportunities and emptiness the Palmer’s suffer as they learn more about Alice in death will haunt the viewer.  

Original vs Remake: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

In my early 20s, I had a friend with his own home in the middle of nowhere. Every weekend followed the same ritual: a vegan (eww) potluck after a bunch of punk bands played basement followed by copious amounts of binge drinking and a two am screening of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We would continue to drink ourselves into oblivion while screaming obscenities at Franklin, finally engaging in group hugs and high fives when the wheelchair bound whiner got a chainsaw to the face. Thus began my love affair with Tobe Hooper’s classic. At one point after a messy breakup I hung a reprint of the original TCM movie poster above my bed. I guess you could say I went a bit of a dry spell with the ladies. No matter how many times I sit down to watch the film, I never grow tired of it. It has moved up the ladder into a tie with American Werewolf in London as my favorite horror film, nudging past Carpenter’s Halloween.

On the other hand, we have Michael Bay and the Platinum Dunes remake. This is the movie that you can blame for kick starting the seemingly endless glut of horror movie remakes studios have crammed down fans throats the past half decade plus. While that might sound like dramatic overstatement it is in fact in this case true. Shortly after the Chainsaw remake posted a healthy profit Platinum Dunes went on record saying their new business model would be to step up as many horror franchises as possible in order to remake thus ensuring a profit.

It would be difficult in one post to enumerate all the ways that director Marcus glassful and producer Michael Bay got it wrong. For all of its notoriety, Tobe Hooper’s masterpiece succeeded because of what it didn't show you. Everyone remembers leather face hanging Pam on a meat hook. However you never actually see the hook cut through its victim. In fact, for a film about a family of cannibals led by a chainsaw wielding cross dresser that wore victims’ faces as a mask, the film is incredibly low on blood and gore (a long-standing story tells that Hooper believed the film could achieve a PG rating due to its lack of explicitness). The pseudo-documentary cinematography of Daniel Pearl gave film in incredibly realistic “it could happen to you” look and feel*. We're allowed to viewer's imagination one wild on the horrors and suffering the gang of friends had to endure.

At the other end of the spectrum you have the remake. Knowing that he couldn't tell if its trademark explosions ala the Bad Boys films (though the addition of a Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as offbeat play-by-their-own-rules cops would have made for a more entertaining movie) able to ratchet up the mutilation and gore factor tenfold. Aside from one visual I have to give props to-the tormented hitch hiker that blows her brains out and we see the group’s horrified reactions through the new hole in her head-the film is too laden by run of the mill FX and gore work. The updated hook scene lingers forever on the newly amputated victim writhing agony. Nispel is far too in love with his own handiwork, displaying every angle in loving detail, taking all the mystery and imagination out of his attempt to recreate an iconic moment. The film is probably the closest I’ve ever come to walking out of a theater due to my anger at having my intelligence insulted.

A huge part of the reason I love the original is the grimy feel of the movie. Not only did Hooper’s background as a documentary filmmaker lend to the gritty realism of the movie, but the low budget nature of the work added another layer of sleaze to the horrific happenings. A lack of funds meant only one costume for Gunner Hansen and Hooper was so terrified of it getting lost or losing its color he refused to wash it. Marilyn Burns was covered in so much fake blood that by the end of the shoot, her shirt had caked solid. Filming in one hundred plus temperatures for sixteen hours at a stretch made for a hellish shoot, and that reflects in the final product on celluloid. The famous dinner scene was filmed for days with every window blacked out and covered, and no air circulating inside a scorching hot set (Texas heat plus the lighting put the temperature in the balmy one hundred and twenty degree rage). The props manager thought it’d be a nice touch to use real food for the scene. Ed Beal (The Hitchhiker) recounts the stench of rotting sausage and cheese filling the room, creating a need for a vomit bucket just off screen for the times when the actors and crews’ stomachs finally revolted.

As far as modern day horror icons go, I’ll take the original Leatherface over anyone else. Nothing could ever top the original’s introduction of the character. The moment he springs from behind the meat locker door, bashes Kirk with the mallet (in a manner deliciously foreshadowed earlier in the van) and slams the door shut forever remains the single jump scare moments in film history. What made Gunner Hansen’s portray of the brute so memorable wasn’t his propensity for violence or hulking presence alone. The sheer bizarreness of Leatherface made for a character never seen before on-there’s never been a character that could both freeze your blood and make you giggle in the same shot. Moments like Hansen blankly staring into the camera, licking his rotted teeth like a feeb still can’t be matched for its sheer off the wall nature.  Unlike gleeful sadists like Freddy or unstoppable killing machines like Jason and Michael, Hansen’s Leatherface is simply an overgrown, mentally challenged man-child. While he cuts a terrifying figure, Hooper also interjects moments where Leatherface puts on makeup in order to get ready for dinner or gets fussily exasperated with his family in a futile attempt to get them to enjoy their meal. A decade before Krueger was practicing his Henny Youngman routine, TCM gave you a psychopath that would make you laugh as well.

The updated version keeps the mentally challenged aspect of the character but does nothing with it. Instead it births another hulking lunatic in a mask-less generic than the hundreds of others we’ve seen in the three decades between the films.  There’s just nothing interesting about the guy at all. We get a tacked on explanation that he turned out the way he did because of his deformed face that caused other kids to pick on him and traumatize him as a youth. Yawn.

As hard as it is to believe, Hooper’s film is a funny movie. Think of the hitchhike running alongside the van, blowing raspberries at the stunned group of friends. After repeated viewings I’d argue that the climactic dinner scene had moments of gallows humor. The grandfather feebly attempting to whack Sally over the head while the family cheers him on like a bunch of grade schoolers waiting for a piñata to crack open is downright hysterical. All the interplay between the members of twisted family make for alternating comedic and horrifying moments.

And then there’s Franklin. Fat, sweaty, crippled Franklin. There have been asshats in horror before and after him. There have been characters that got under your skin like a bad rash. But there has never been a character in a film so utterly annoying, or as unsympathetic as Franklin. From the minute he comes on the screen, the urge to shake him unconscious while screaming obscenities for the mewling priss to simply grow a pair is overwhelming. You’ll find yourself wanting to grab his tongue and yank it from his mouth when he starts crying and blowing raspberries and his friends like an overgrown infant. His character reminds me of the grandmother in Flannery O’Connor’s A Good Man is Hard To Find. Much like her, Franklin’s actions spell doom for the group as he whines and insists they stop at an old family property just for kicks.  Simply put, there is not a more satisfying moment in all of horror than when Leatherface emerges from the bramble to cut the porker into sausage strips.

The biggest failing of the Nispel/Bay remake is it simply never gives you a character remote as interesting amongst the group of cannon fodder.

The ’03 remake’s take on the family may be the biggest misstep in the whole production. While R. Lee Ermey has moments as a deranged sheriff (essentially channeling his pissed off drill Sgt. From Full Metal Jacket), everyone else falls short. Nispel displays his characters like sideshow oddities. SEE The crazy old coot with no legs! MARVEL in horror at the obese trailer park trash mother. The remake strips the new family of personality, simply laying out cardboard, stock characters for the camera.  Nispel adds nothing new to the genre, no fresh take on the characters or story, nothing new in the way of “kids in peril” plot line, nor any sort of relevance that modernizes the story for this generation. The tacked on police footage that bookends the movie makes for a laughable attempt at adding a sense of reality to proceedings.

The photographer later joined the family for dinner as the main course.

I can understand why TCM is such a difficult film to update. It was one of the first moments in horror that humanized the monsters. Gone were the giant ants creatures and fire breathing reptiles that emerged to wipe out cites and terrorize whole populations. Even Hammer studios, who had achieved immense success updating the classic Universal Monsters, had begun to run out of fresh ideas and simply ground their gothic creations into the ground. While Psycho may have been first to market with a cross dressing killer, very little could have prepared audiences for the levels of depravity that would unfold within the walls of the Texas clan’s home. Hooper’s film reflected the America of its time: one reeling from assignations of political and spiritual icons, distrustful of the ever increasing lies coming from Nixon’s administration, horrified but unable to turn away from the images broadcast from the South Asian jungles and just coming to grips that the flower power message of “peace, love and understanding” had fallen on mostly deaf ears.  Audiences no longer needed mythical creatures to scare them as they became increasingly aware of the horrors they could inflict on each other. The film spoofs the typical American family with its deranged clan of nitwits. Tossed aside from their slaughterhouse jobs by technological advances, the close knit group simply eliminated the competition by having them for dinner.  Jim Seidow's demented Cook kept everyone reasonably in line, and wasn't afraid to use the switch to beat the bejesus out of a misbehaving family member. They may have been psychotic, and they may be into digging up graves and kidnapping tresspassers in order to turn them into a rump roast, but dammit they were going to stick together.

Please note that I’m not suggesting a film like Texas Chainsaw Massacre is “above” getting remade. My long standing attitude towards remakes is unless they’re truly awful, they can’t do any further damage to the original’s legacy that a string of lowest common denominator sequels have already done. In the case of TCM-one could argue the French shocker Frontier(s) is everything the Bay/Nispel remake wishes to be. It’s similar in plot-a group of friends find themselves at the mercy of a sadistic clan of psycho cannibals-but the film manages to stand on its own. It updates the social commentary of Hooper’s film in order to make it relevant (it’s set against the backdrop of youth riots against French police) and is brutal, uncompromising film. It’s a brilliant film in its own right, yet so much of what it does well can be traced back to the original TCM. If Bay and Nispel had given their reimagining a quarter of the ideas of Frontiers, we might not be looking back on the film as a colossal misstep that gave birth to a seemingly endless series of misfires that followed.What say you dear reader?

*Ironically, Pearl was Nispel’s cinematographer as well. Goes the show that if you dip a turn in gold, it’s still a piece of shit.