The Horror Films of Maude Michaud (Snuff & Hollywood Skin)

Montreal film maker Maude Michaud fell in love with horror films at a young age, when she caught Poltergeist III on cable television. As a teenager her and friends hosted a weekly horror film night, further exposing her to the choice cuts of the genre. By her late teens she was filming her own short movies, and screening them at local festivals in the Toronto area.

To date, Ms. Michaud has worked on over twenty projects, including eight short films. We recently received two of her latest films, and the craftsmanship contained within show a young artist that is bound to make her mark as she explores the genre. She unabashedly declares herself a feminist, and the two films we’re reviewing explore that term from different angles. One short contains a positive “girl power” message while the second tells a cautionary tale of a problem women face far to often due to skewed perceptions of beauty in our culture.

Snuff
In her short film Snuff, Ms. Michaud twists the traditional gender roles in the stalker/victim dynamic on its ear. The grainy, black and white footage along with the pan and scan aspect ratio give the presentation the appearance of a seedy underground video discretely ordered from and delivered by the most private of video warehouses that cater to a very specific and disturbed clientele.

A brief opening shot depicts the stalker and auteur (Martin Plouffe) preparing his tools for the hunt. From here the camera switches to the first person point of view, further creating the illusion that the intent of the film was to allow the buyer to imagine himself in the shoes of the killer. After the male picks out his victim, a lone woman blissfully unaware while catching up on some reading on a park bench (Isabelle Stephen), we bear witness to him silently waiting for her to leave, then him following her home before he breaks in to her apartment.

This is the point at which the film makes its shift, and it’s the final two shots that flip the standard on its ear, giving the film its female empowerment message. I won’t spoil it, but the final shot of the intended victim toasting her stalker with a glass of pinot noir makes for a powerful and ironic message.

For storytelling purposes, the film eschews any dialogue. Instead, the soundtrack combines a pulsing, alarm-like bleat throughout its run time, interspersed with synthesized keyboard reminiscent of a John Carpenter sound track. That shriek is present throughout the film's run time, and it really helps build a tense atmosphere.

Hollywood Skin
The second film Ms Michaud sent is her latest short, Hollywood Skin. Shot mostly in one location, a young actresses apartment, the film takes a minimalist approach in conveying a story that could be ripped from any struggling actresses’ own experiences.

An aspiring young actress (Sucre la Creme) moves to Hollywood with visions of making it big. Unfortunately, while she possesses head turning beauty by every day standards, her womanly curves leave her on the outs of a media community where dangerously thin frames are passed off as the desirable norm.

Maude Michaud and Rachel Duston Sauve on the set of Hollywood Skin

As casting agents leave rejection messages on voice mail, Creme’s character grows more distraught; fretting over skintight outfits she can’t stretch over her frame, while obsessing over the parts of her anatomy she believes are costing her work. Her compulsion drives her to madness, and her graphic makeover in the climax is not only gruesome (some terrific makeup and FX work contained here) but it’s also heartbreaking to see someone so beautiful and full of optimism at the outset of the short broken down by studio and societal pressure.

Without bludgeoning her audience with a cudgel, Ms. Michaud deftly pulls back the curtain on one of the most troubling aspects of our culture. Hollywood Skin is a unique and personal story, and one that wouldn’t have the same perspective from the male POV, not in a world where Kevin James can land leading roles in a romantic comedy while younger women need to starve themselves to be noticed and older actresses without the last name Streep find themselves marginalized with coveted roles few and far between. Ms. Michaud could stick the “inspired by true events” tag at the front of the short as one could pluck stories with similar circumstances (aside from the grim ending) from a near endless well of sources.


For those that want to learn more about these two films, along with a dozen other shorts Ms. Michaud has produced these past few years, click over to her online portfolio for Quirk Films at www.maudemichaud.com. Ms. Michaud also has a documentary in the works providing an in-depth look at female horror creators and fans, for more details, check out the project’s official site. All Things Horror will screen both Snuff and Hollywood Skin with Ms. Michaud (and her mom, how freaking cool is that) in attendance for a Q&A as part of our June 2nd program at the Somerville Theater. Tickets are available on our site.


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Add The Commune to Netflix, help support indie horror and enter to win the DVD

Here's your chance to help support a terrific indie film. Writer/director of The Commune Elisabeth fies has been gracious enough to send us a pair of DVDs of her film in support of our upcoming screening. We'll give away one copy on Wednesday night, but for those that can't attend, here's your chance to win a copy for yourself.

Here's the skinny: Ms. Fies film needs a handful of people to save the movie for their Netflix queue in order to be carried by the service. As you can guess, getting distribution from Netflix goes a long way increasing exposure for a movie.

All you need to do to help out The Commune and get a chance to win a DVD is the following:

1. Follow this link and Add The Commune to your Netflix Queue

2. Once you have done this, or if you had added the film previous to our contest, leave us a comment letting us know you've added the film. We'll pick a winner on Friday June 4th.


That's all you need to do folks, it doesn't get easier than that.

The Friday Five: Our Favorite Final Girls

In anticipation of our June 2nd Women in Horror program at the Somerville Theater, I'd post my five favorite ladies that somehow, someway survived the nature trail to Hell and got through to the end of their celluloid adventures.

Without further ado, let's count it down:

5. Ginny Field Friday the 13th part 2 (Amy Steel)

4. Sidney Prescott Scream series (Neve Campbell)

3. Laurie Strode (Halloween 1, 2, 6 & 7) Jamie Lee Curtis

 2. Nancy Thompson (A Nightmare on Elm Street 1, 3 & 7) Heather Langencamp

1. Ripley Alien series Sigourney Weaver

Boston’s “Depraved” Dave Dodge and Back Alley Cinema May 30 Screening

BACK ALLEY CINEMA



Back Alley Cinema Screening: Sunday, May 30 - 7 pm - $3 at The Outpost (186 ½ Hampshire Street, Inman Square, Cambridge MA), Featuring: Body Snatcher from Hell, Wild,Wild Planet, and The Human Duplicators

Mike and I like to talk about our screenings in the Boston area, but there are other people trying to keep horror alive in our area. I thought I’d take a moment to introduce a friend of mine who is doing some great things for area fans:

Over the years I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know one of Boston’s premier aficionados of truly bizarre films. Dave Dodge has been dusting off his collection of rare and weird horror, sci-fi, and exploitation films, the bulk of which have never been released in the U.S. Taking the DIY approach, he’s been screening them in the most unlikely places, from small art galleries to spaces usually reserved for punk shows. Bringing Boston area fans films like The Green Slime, The Monster of Piedras Blancas, and It Conquered the World, Dave has been offering something truly unique to the area.



Dave is quite prolific in the area. Not only does he program amazing film events, but he has archived an extensive collection of horror comics and magazines at our local Papercut Zine Library. Dave can also be seen lending his acting skills in a variety of offbeat independent films from area filmmakers. He even showed up in a wreck-of-a-super 8 film I shot a few years ago, and his footage was the only thing that actually turned out.

If you're in the Boston area and you have the opportunity, please stop by and support Dave while enjoying some rare movie treats.

Back Alley Cinema on Facebook

The Commune-a new cult classic delves into cult horror

Writer/director Elisabeth Fies’ debut feature The Commune stands out as an impressive piece of indie horror cinema. Beautifully shot, the film takes its time laying out a horrifying story of family betrayal and madness, with a brutal ending that only proves some fates are much worse than death.

The Commune tells the tragic story of sixteen year old Jenny (Chauntel Lewis). Her estranged father Clark demands she spends the summer on his quasi hippy compound, under the guise that he wants to become closer to her. On the compound, everything feels just a hair off. Pagan symbols hint at a greater force that must be appeased. Jenny’s father Clark possesses a manic energy that holds his followers rapt attention. No one seems to mind the outwardly public and graphic nature with Rhea (Adrian Lee) despite her being many moons older than the cult leader. At the same time, Jenny finds herself on the unwanted end of uncomfortable attention from her father, as his gaze seems to linger on her a fraction too long, he looms a hair too close to her, his hands stay on her a moment longer than they should. While Jenny has to deal with her father, she also must contend with a series of strange events around her, all the while she’s unaware at the conspiracy unfolding against her.

The pacing of the film owes an obvious debt to horror classics from the 70’s. Obvious thematic comparisons to the Wicker Man are plentiful. Like the doomed Sgt. Howie, young Jenny finds herself manipulated by forces completely outside her control. There’s no giant AHA moment in the film, no massive turning point. Ms. Fies crafts a series of small, tension building moments that lead her character to her inevitable fate. Brief flashbacks reveal deeper abuses for Jenny’s past, all leading to a shocking climax. The film also owes a debt to Don’t Look Now. As Jenny further attempts to pull back the curtain on the community, she only finds herself forcibly nudged towards her own awful fate.

Where the film shines is in its characters. Ms. Lewis does a fantastic job portraying a headstrong young woman attempting to navigate the strange events around her as well as the awkward tinges of first love with the town emo boy Puck. In a terrific moment, she finds herself taken in by his guitar ballad composed for her, but grounded enough to ask him the name of the last girl he’d serenaded with it. She does a masterful job creating a character you cross your fingers for and ultimately feel for. As the commune leader and creepy father, Stuart Bennet brings a dizzying intensity to his role. He’s able to shift his characters moods from exhibiting an almost childlike exuberance at times, to no nonsense authoritarian in a sap. Most importantly, he brings the charisma needed to make an audience believe others would willingly follow his devious scheme with a cultish devotion.

I’ve read on other sites that women will find The Commune more terrifying than men. With themes of rape, incest and paternal neglect, it’s easy to come to that conclusion. However, I’d argue that parents or would-be parents will find the film unsettling as well.  The most unsettling aspect of The Commune, and what promises to stay with the audience long after the viewing ends, is the complete breakdown and selfishness of the parental figures. One would like to think a parent would go to the ends of the earth to protect their child. While that’s not always the case, and one doesn’t have to look far for examples of awful parentage, Ms. Fies creates some heinous characters that go far beyond the pale. Watching Jenny’s father manipulate her, as well as her final fate is stomach turning.

Yes, The Commune is a low budget film. That said, it is one of the most gorgeous pieces of low budget film making you’re bound to come across. The colors of the outdoorsy nature settings pop off the screen.

One of the hardest aspects of reviewing indie films is the fact that 99% of the readership will never get to see the movie unless they’re lucky enough to live nearby one of the local festival circuits. I’m stoked to say that won’t be the case if you want to see The Commune.

Elisabeth has put The Commune up for purchase at www.thecommunemovie.com, and the disc comes loaded with extras including deleted scenes, a genealogy, and a gag reel. Plus, there’s a nifty intro from the director herself encouraging anyone who’s seen the movie for free-whether it be at a festival or *ahem* pirated-to throw the PayPal link a few sheckles. Take a look at your current DVD collection. This is a chance to make up for some of the dreck you’ve purchased through the years. Anyone that’s ever spent a nickel on a Saw film should buy this movie just to balance the karmic scales.

The film will also soon be available for download on iTunes and Amazon, and will be available for rental on Netflix.

For local folks, you’re doubly lucky, because we’re screening The Commune one week from tonight at the Somerville Theater. That’s right-for five measly bucks you can watch this on the big screen, buy some beers and bask in the glory of a new horror classic. . 

The Commune Trailer @ Yahoo! Video

New Poster for All Things Horror Presents: June Spotlight on Women in Horror

Here’s yet another gorgeous poster for our June screening brought to us by the talented Reverend Phantom at Midnight Confessions. The Rev has been doing stellar work for us and we really appreciate it! If you can spare a moment, please go check out his spectacular blog.

This month for our Spotlight on Women in Horror, Mike has worked hard putting together an impressive collection of independent films from female writers and directors. I’m personally very excited for the programming and ecstatic about providing a forum for more women to express themselves in a predominantly male-dominated genre and industry. All of these filmmakers have something unique to contribute to a stagnating genre, and it is that perspective that pushes the envelope further.

Thanks are in order to the following blogs for spreading the word on our June event, a special focus on women writers, directors, creators working in the horror genre:

Our hometown buddy, the scathingly funny Andre Dumas over at The Horror Digest

The diabolically controversial Heidi Martinuzzi over at Pretty/Scary

If I left anyone out, let me know and I’ll put a link up to your blog. I’ve been out of the loop a little lately. Sorry to leave anyone out.

Just another reminder, we are screening at 7 pm on Wednesday, June 2 at the Somerville Theater in Somerville, MA. Our feature is Elisabeth Fies’ The Commune, preceded by the shorts Snuff and Hollywood Skin from Maude Michaud, Izabel Grondin’s Fantasy, and Monica Puller’s Gimme.

David Moody's "Dog Blood": Fueled by the Hate

DOG BLOOD



Dog Blood (2010)
Written by: David Moody
Publisher: St. Martin’s Press

Originally self-published online through his own company Infected Books, British novelist David Moody’s Hater was a bit of an internet sensation. It captured the positive attention of critics and fans, including Guillermo del Toro who picked it up for a possible film adaptation. I have to admit it came in under my radar and caught me a little by surprise. I didn’t recognize the name, but was attracted to the blood-spattered cover while browsing one of my favorite bookstores last summer. I was pleasantly surprised that Moody had turned the typical apocalypse/post-apocalypse story on its head.

Rather than phone in another hum-drum zombie/infection story, Moody instead delivered a plausible tale of paranoia, uncontrollable rage, and shocking violence with no zombies in sight. Told from a first person perspective, the novel focused on a plague of sorts involving people inexplicably stricken with uncontainable hate and drive to kill. What starts as seemingly random murders escalates to a widespread epidemic. Dubbed “haters” by the media, they attack strangers and family members alike knowing only that they must kill. The attacks eventually escalate to total city shutdown and Danny McCoyne finds himself changing amidst the chaos. McCoyne, once a powerless Parking Fine Processing Clerk, now finds himself immersed in a terrifying world where any previous ideas of “society” have been shattered. One thing is different though. McCoyne has become a Hater. Only newly heightened senses and the insatiable drive to kill keep him alive.

As I said in my Hater review, it was one of the more timely novels I’ve read in the vast landscape of end-of-the-world speculative fiction. Even though the usual (and important) parallels can be made to recent natural disasters, wars, and assorted tragedies, the very heart of the story is something much more personal. Moody exposes the raw nerve of hate, something that has been steadily rising in our society for the past several decades to an alarming degree. Moody asks: Why is hatred so prominent and is it leading to some irreversible shift in our world? If we’re honest with ourselves, haven’t we all felt a little irrationally angry lately? Maybe it is part of a larger plan.

One of the most interesting aspects of Hater (and Dog Blood) is the presence of an anti-hero. Generally when reading this type of book, it’s nearly always from the perspective of noble survivors caught up in some chaotic event, maybe shooting some zombies in the head, staving off cannibal overlords, or at the very least, coming to grips with man’s capacity for cruelty in desperate times. However, in Danny’s case, he is the offending event. The Haters believe themselves to be man evolved, and even though they are eviscerating many people, they feel a sense of empowerment and purpose from the act. It is a profound relief for them to destroy their enemies even if they don’t quite understand why they are enemies. McCoyne embraces his hate and feels not one bit of guilt for killing the “weaker” of the species.

Beginning right where Hater left off, Dog Blood expands the scope of Moody’s initial story. McCoyne has fled his home in search of his missing daughter who he fears has been taken by his wife, one of the “Unchanged”, as deemed by the haters. McCoyne and his hater brethren are driven only to destroy the Unchanged in what has become a cataclysmic battle for survival in a world with diminishing food supplies, lack of potable water, limited power, and rampant, sudden violence. McCoyne uses the barren wasteland to move about in search of his daughter. He joins up with other haters as a means of survival, find information, maybe get a little food, but ultimately prefers to search solo. As the novel progresses, it seems large scale war is on the horizon between the “Haters” and those who have remained “Unchanged”. McCoyne participates when he has to, but never loses sight of his ultimate goal.

Moody introduces some very interesting concepts in Dog Blood, the second book in a trilogy. Utilizing the first person technique, he brings in a sharp psychological edge to the story. While the book is quite visceral, even reveling in its cold depictions of brutal violence and destruction, the internal conversations McCoyne has with himself are what drive the story. Though McCoyne is far from conflicted about his urge to kill, he does begin to question things when he meets up with a group who believe Haters can control their rage. McCoyne also finds his allegiances tested when he encounters some particularly dogmatic Haters. A second storyline (from the third person perspective) has also been introduced into the story, one which is likely to converge with Danny’s quest.

I enjoyed Dog Blood and if I were to complain about anything, it would be that it tends to feel a little drawn out. There is a lot of McCoyne’s internal conversation, and even though Moody lays the carnage on rather thick in the action sequences, there is a sense he could get on with things a little more quickly. For me personally, this was a minor thing. The book really isn’t weighed because Moody cuts to the chase not only with the action scenes, but with very succinct dialogue. It never feels like McCoyne is rambling, and a lot of his concerns are valid responses to an extreme situation. He is genuinely trying to understand, and we in turn, are grasping along with him. There is definitely a brooding presence on the horizon, and as Danny gets closer to whatever “truth” may be out there, our desire to have the answer may take us to a very dark places. I’m personally intrigued as to what sort of conclusion Moody has in store.

One night left. How is Lost going to end?

After six years on the air, the passengers of Oceanic 815 are making their final return trip off the airways this evening. Fans are gathering one last time for the super sized, two and a half hour finale that will hopefully tie up any of the major remaining mysteries the sow has dangled in front of its audiences in its one hundred and twenty plus hours on the air.

Showrunners Cuse and Lindelof face a daunting task in coming up with an end that will satisfy the millions of viewers who have spent six years dissecting the show around the water cooler and message boards. Come up with an unsatisfying clunker of an ending, and they run the risk of tarnishing the show’s legacy. For recent examples of pop-culture marvels that failed to end on a high note, look no further than the lambasted Seinfeld finale, the X-Files, and in a notorious example, the fade-to-black ambiguity of The Sopranos closing moments that left more than a few people calling their cable providers demanding answers to why their service had gone down.

Worst. Episode. Ever.

Add the odd direction the final season has gone down and some fans are nervous. With just one episode to go, hardcore fans are still trying to make sense of the “flash sideways” parallel world and how it relates to the fate of the island. “Across the Sea”-an episode devoted to telling the back story of Jacob and his brother-was ripped apart by fans for both its tepid answers to major mysteries and its placement coming right off the emotional deaths of three original Losties with only two episodes left after it (I thought a powerful last ten minutes redeemed it). While I’ve enjoyed the season, it sometimes has felt like I’m watching a completely different show from the first five years.

But all that can be forgiven mighty easily forgiven with a strong finale. Last week’s “What They Died For” featured everything I love about the show, including the return of Evil Ben. So with one night left to go for the best serialized drama to hit the air, I’ve put my own theories together as to how the show might end.

Tony gets whacked. Work with me here. Jack and Flocke get ready for an epic throw down that will determine the fate of the island. Lapidus (there’s no way he’s dead) is firing up the jet plane to get the rest of the Losties out of dodge, just as FLocke comes rushing out of the jungle in Smokey form which such ferocity that trees are ripped out by their roots and tossed aside. It’s all come down to this when all f the sudden “Don’t Stop Believin’ comes on over the airways; the camera pulls back, revealing the eye of Tony Soprano. Just then, a goomba in a Members Only jacket rushes out of the mens room, and pops two rounds in our favorite crime boss. What an end for the two biggest water cooler shows of the past decade.

The two timelines converge, and a newly fixed Locke, is up out of his wheel chair and ready to face off with FLocke.  As amazing as Terry O’Quinn has been this season playing the Man in Black wearing the physical guise of Locke, there’s a large part of the fan base that finds themselves broken up over our favorite man of faith getting the bum’s rush. I can’t be the only one disappointed that the man who seemed so in tune with the island and so hell bent n protecting it, ends up meeting a depressing end after failing in such an epic way. There has to be a happier ending for John Locke.

The kids are alright. Two of the most frustrating aspects of Lost have been the complete abandonment and lack of resolution of the significance of Walt and baby Aaron. We spent the better part of two seasons learning that Walt had some special abilities, and there were even hints that he had some time travelling abilities similar to Desmond, but aside from a token cameo in the past two seasons, his story was dropped just as viewers were getting sucked in. I understand that a big reason for this change was the actor playing Walt couldn’t remain ten years old forever, but as the show veered towards time travel and flash sideways territory, it seemed Walt was primed to make an impact.

Walt poses for his milk carton photo

Just as mysterious was the importance of baby Aaron. Producers Cuse and Lindelof drove home the point that Aaron needed to be raised by Clare. We were led to believe he’d have some special abilities of his own. Yet heading into the finale, the show’s come up with nada for answers on Aaron and his overall importance.

Could it be the two of them hold the key to defeating FLocke once and for all? We’ll find out shortly.  

Smokey succeeds in getting off the island. In what would be a massive departure from the norm, Lost could end with the bad guy winning. All FLocke/The Man in Black/Smokey has wanted to do is get off the island. If he can find a way to get rid of Jack and extinguish the cave of glowing light (lord do I feel silly typing that), or if he can manipulate the show’s resident time bending Scotsman Desmond Hume to somehow destroy the island, he can achieve that goal. How shocking of a climax would it be if it ended with the strewn and broken bodies of the remaining castaways laying at the feet of FLocke, then a final scene of the black smoke rushing towards the main land, hovering over Penny and little Charlie’s boat before the screen slams black one last time?

A close up of Jack’s eyeball will be the final shot. The more I think about it, the more this ending makes perfect sense. Or a show obsessed with duality, the most appropriate end would mirror the opening shot of the pilot. Lost kicked off with Jack’s eye snapping open, alert amongst chaos of the plane crash. What better way to go out than to focus one last time on Jack,  secure in his role as Jacob’s replacement, waking up Island alone, at peace with his decision to protect others that will inevitably make their way to the Island to exploit its unique talents. 

The Friday Five: Top Five Frankenstein's Monsters

5. Tom Noonan "The Monster Squad"

4. Christopher Lee "The Curse of Frankenstein"

3. Robert De Niro "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein"

2. Peter Boyle "Young Frankenstein"

Boris Karloff "Frankenstein", "The Bride of Frankenstein" "Son of Frankenstein"

What say you intrepid reader? Are there any lists you want to see for future installments? Do you want to submit your own? Let us know!

June 2nd-All Things Horror presents our 'Women in Horror' program, featuring THE COMMUNE

Hey Boston area readers! Hopefully anyone reading this site knows Chris and I host a monthly film series in the luxurious confines of the Somerville Theater, smack dab in the heart of Davis Square. 

We’re holding our next event June 2^nd, and we’ve got an incredible program lined up. Join us for our first Women in Horror event, and come out in appreciation for some of the best new female creators working in the horror genre right now.

Our feature film has been getting outstanding write ups from the horror community, and for good reason. Elisabeth Fies’ The Commune is a harrowing throwback to moody, atmospheric genre films of the 70’s. Fans of The Wicker Man and Don’t Look Now will the slow unraveling and inevitable tragedy facing Jenny, a beautiful sixteen year old girl cursed with a horrific family. We’ll have our own review of the film up by the weekend, in the meantime; take a read at what some of our favorite sites are saying:

Obscure Horror

 Horror Society

Day of the Woman

Planet of Terror

We’re also stoked to present our shorts program with some of our strongest films to date. Monica Puller (gONZORIFFIC Films) “Gimme!” has a raw, punk hysterical edge as a homicidal doll stalks her victims on Halloween night. Izabel Grondin’s Fantasy takes a disturbing look at two strangers engaged in a fetish act gone too far. Finally, we’re extremely luck to show a pair of short films from Montreal director Maude Michaud (Quirk Films). Her new b/w short Snuff reverses the power dynamics of a standard horror film when a pervy stalker meets his match. Her latest work Hollywood Skin, tells the tragic story of how far a person will go to fit the perception of how a starlet should look.  

Did I mention you can buy tickets ahead of time? Beat the inevitable rush at the doors and pre-order your ticket by clicking the handy dandy web link that’s on the right hand side of the screen. 

Do whatever it takes to come down for this night. Give yourself a reminder: tie a string to your finger, put a note in your Outlook Calendar, tattoo the dates on your forehead backwards so you can read it when you’re looking I the mirror-ANYTHING that’ll help you remember this awesome event we’re hosting June 2^nd.  

Pet Peeves in Horror from a Grumpy Old Man-The Jump Scare.

I think I speak for many horror buffs when I say that the criminal over reliance on jump scares in flicks nowadays s enough to make me want to scoop out my eyeballs with a melon baller. Rather than creating real tension through carefully constructed atmosphere and character development combined with genuinely tense situations, too many films getting wide release are relying on music video directors (oh HAI Samuel Bayer) to put together poorly constructed moments that get the adrenaline going, but offer nothing in the way of a pay off.

Can a jump tactic ever be used effectively? Sure. Quick story-I took my sister to see Scream many moons ago. She’s the type that loves horror movies, but watches them all tensed up and cowering with her hands over her eyes. When Principle Fonz (heyyyyyyyyy) slowly makes his way towards his closet, suspecting there was someone behind the doors, we all knew some bad juju was coming on. I decided it’s be a perfect time to prank my sister. Just as the soon to be slashed educator was reaching for the knob, I grabbed my sister’s shoulder and yelled “BOO!” She let out the loudest shriek I’ve ever heard and pole vaulted put of her seat, leaving the packed theater roaring with laughter.

Listed below are my three least favorite types of jump scares:

Cats jumping out of a cabinet door. Who the hell goes around stuffing cats inside cabinets? I know they didn’t put themselves in there. They don’t have thumbs for chrissakes. Nothing makes me sillier than getting my nerves all in a jangled mess with my heart racing a mile a minute only to find a big, fluffy, cuddly ball of fur waiting behind the door. One of the many reasons I love the show Supernatural is they recognize how bogus a tactic this is, as evidenced by the clip below.

Friends that pop out from around the corner. This ties directly into another horror pet peeve of mine: when a group of friends find themselves in a life-threatening predicament, why is Plan A through Plan Z always consist of the genius maneuver to split up and root around for whatever is waiting for a golden opportunity to drive a railroad spike through their groin and practice baton twirling moves with the sorry carcass? We all know how this plays out. You’ll have one shaking-in-their-boots fraidy cat tip toeing down a blacked out hallway in some variation of abandoned home/factory/hospital/puppet show studio with nothing but a flashlight. If we’re lucky, they’ll be creepy artwork of clowns or midgets or midget clowns adorning the walls. They hear something or someone banging around just around the corner, so the immediate survival instinct to “slowly creep up while shining the light ahead, maybe call out a greeting just so whoever is lurking around can pin point my exact location and time the killing blow juuuuuuust right” kicks in when who is they run into? If you guessed Danica McKellar, you would be wrong. She’s too busy making math sexy to appear in a crappy turd (redundant?) of a film. Instead, you get the best friend popping out, a big musical crescendo and a lot of screaming, all for nothing. Jip city.

Unfortunately, Danica has no plans to jump around the corner and for a "tickle fight"

The bathroom mirror fakeout. There was a time when looking opening the medicine cabinet door was a big no-no in a horror movie. One minute a sleepy eyed patron would be in their favorite jammy jams just looking for a Xanax to take the edge off, and as soon as they closed the door, they’d have their heads caved in by a three hundred pound lunatic that somehow learned ninjitsu stealth tactics and knew exactly which step to avoid walking on lest the creaking sound gave away his presence.

Apparently directors got tired of filming this time honored tradition, and have gone completely in the other direction.  Now the most dangerous thing lurking in a horror movie bathroom is a floater. Unfortunately, this hasn’t stopped filmmakers from trying to fake the audience out. Usually combined with an obnoxious, bum rattling soundtrack, the mirror scene has been reduced to the worst kind of fake out chicanery. The only thing looking back in the mirror are eye boogers. It’s kind of funny when films like Orphan go completely overboard with the technique and throw in a bathroom scare seemingly every thirty seconds, otherwise, major party foul. That said, I love this SNL Digital Short featuring Adam Sandberg and Ellen “I was in the crappy X Men movie” Page (sorry for the ad).

Review: The Human Centipede

Decades from now, film scholars, critics and horror fans will look back on Dieter Laser’s triumphant cry of “I have done it!” as he stands poised over his hideous creation with the same reverence we hold for Colin Clive’s “It’s Alive!” from Frankenstein all those years ago.

Tom Six’s “The Human Centipede (The First Sequence)” stands out as the most unique concept of any horror movie you’ll see this year. Even better, Six took what could have been a one trick pony, and injected his film with real emotion and pathos, some terrifically tense sequences and an iconic villain for the ages.

Make no mistake; The Human Centipede is Laser’s film from start to finish. While he may have sixty plus credits to his acting resume, the bug-eyed, angular German was born to play the role of mad scientist from the moment he exited the womb (and Marvel may want to take notice if they’re casting for a Doc Ock in the upcoming Spiderman reboot). While the central tragedy of Victor Frankenstein is he unleashed a monster on the world with the purest intentions of bettering man by furthering science, Laser’s Dr. Heiter has no such noble pretense. Even when he needs to cover his experiments from getting discovered, Laser sneers with a great contempt at anyone that crosses his path. Laser relentlessly mugs for the camera, and delivers his lines with an earnestness that is brilliantly hilarious. His starched white lab coat and ramrod straight posture evoke memories Max Schreck’s Count Orlock at times.

The doctor’s victims suffer from what can truly be called a vacation from hell. American tourists Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) and Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) simply want a night of booty dancing in the clubs. Instead, they first suffer a flat tire, then the leering advances of a fat, disgusting local before getting lost in the woods during a rainstorm before stumbling upon the mad scientist’s home. They’re smart enough to know something is off about the guy, but stupid enough to accept a drink from him. Two Roofie Coladas later and they wake up strapped to hospital beds. A random Japanese male (Akihiro Kitamura) is soon added to the mix as the front component of the centipede.  

For a film about sewing people together ass-to-mouth, Six shows remarkable restraint. The audience sees remarkably little of the actual surgery (though what we do see is cringe-inducing). The most unsettling bit may actually be the doctor’s academic description to his captive victims of how he will perform the surgery that will leave them attached to one another with one shared digestive system. The crushing sense of inevitability in the scene turns the stomach without a drop of blood being spilled, which is a rarity in modern horror.  The final creation, with the three actors attached face to bum hole, is indeed a horror to behold, but it’s a surprisingly tame affair once the operation is complete. There is the infamous digestive scene, where the middle and end segment are forced to swallow the excrement of the frontal piece, but even here, the horror is suggested by the looks of revulsion of their faces. While some have groused about a lack of gore, I argue that ix allows the utter hopelessness of the predicament to really set in, building a high squeamish factor in. 

In fact, the best scene in the film is centipede free. When one girl temporarily escapes, it leads to a long standoff between her and he doctor. Despite knowing the outcome (I’ve seen the trailer, so I know she’s screwed) it’s a fingernail biting piece of work. The moment she pulls back a curtain to reveal the doctor outside the glass doors is a great jump scare (and I despise those), followed up in impressive fashion with him smacking the butt of his tranquilizer gun on the glass while she furtively attempts escape out the door. Six fills the film with moments like this, preventing the film from falling too far into one-trick campiness.

If there’s one problem with the movie, it’s what to do once the centipede is completed. Heiter seems obsessed with training his new “pet” to perform simple fetching tricks. The film runs out of a bit of steam as there’s not a whole lot the creation can DO, leaving for a long stretch where the audience can simply only wallow in the misery of the victims. You get the feeling as the film goes on that there can’t be a happy ending for its central characters, but don’t know what end they’ll meet.

Still, Six deserves props for delivering a completely unique and disgusting concept, yet still crafting a film that rises above the hysterical disquietude of its central concept. I’ll dare anyone who sees the film to not really feel for the final predicament of the trio in the closing moments. The Human Centipede, far from being a punch line of a film, easily stands out as one of the best horror offerings of the year.  

A look back at From Dusk Till Dawn-why can't movies be as much fun as this any more?

After feeling pretty dejected by some of the current horror offerings, my wife suggested we cue up the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Taratino offering From Dusk Til Dawn. It proved to be the perfect antidote to the dour films I’d been saddled with lately. While it’s a far from perfect effort, FDTD is over-the top fun. Long before they released the hit-or-miss Grindhouse, the pair made a fantastic grindhouse film. With its seedy characters, ridiculous situations and frantic action and violence, From Dusk Til Dawn is everything you could want in a horror-comedy-action movie milkshake. Below are a list of things I love about this movie.

The bat like humanoid form of the vampires. SOMEONE sure loved them some of Coppola’s Dracula indeed. The Titty Twister bar was filled to the brim with leathery looking winged two legged vampires that looked scary as hell.

Harvey Keitel pumping a shot gun through a vamped out Fred Williamson’s stomach to blow away vampires. How can you not love The Wolf using one of the biggest badasses in blaxploitation cinema history as a vampire shield while blows the heads off the undead using a pump action shotgun that’s wedged in the dead man’s gut? I only hope technology gets to the point where this scene can e seamlessly integrated into any movie. Think of how much more punch a snore fest like The Notebook would have with this moment inserted near the climax.  

So nice you he had to appear thrice-ladies and gentlemen I give you Cheech Marin. Everybody who doesn’t live in Arizona loves Cheech and Chong. Robert Rodriguez understands this and gives Hurley’s dad three supporting roles here:  The Mexican border guard, the idiot Carlos that picked the doomed Titty Twister bar because one is as good as another and the foul mouthed Chet Pussy. It’s this last role that gets the biggest kick as the foul mouthed Chet acts as a sort of master of ceremonies and gets a raucous beat down from Clooney. Plus, with a pitch like the one below, this guy could sell pussy to the gay male tabernacle choir.

 

 There’s no reason for Ernest Liu to explode when Juliette Lewis shoots him as he’s getting devoured alive by a pack of rabid vampires, but thankfully, you never need a reason for exploding vampires.

 The Big Kahuna burger makes an appearance. The film geek in me loves when there’s little tie ins to the larger universe of the creators so it was nice to see Tarantino’s burger chain make a cameo. Plus, that is one Tasty burger!

Sex Machine’s cod piece gun. Everything Tom Savini does in this film is comic gold, but the best moment is when his pants spring a boner revealing his pistol, complete with a pair of six shooter “balls”.  

Selma Hayek’s slow striptease. Do you really need an explanation for this one? Go ahead and enjoy the clip below or a few minutes. 

When my wife saw this in theater she had no idea it was a vampire movie and hated it. I have no idea how this happened, but apparently she was all caught up in how Harvey and his family would escape, and when the first fangs were bared she had a WTF moment and hated the rest of the movie at the time.

 The last shot of the film where we see behind the bar. I love the idea of the bar originally being a temple and the vampires had lured victims in for centuries.  By the look of the wreckage stacked up behind the joint it was apparent thousands met their gory end at the Titty Twister.